never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
