the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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