not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
