I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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