Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
