I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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