I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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