News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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