Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
