I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
