Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
