Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
