I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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