Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
