Banned from zoo.
Again?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
