Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
