Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
