I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
