lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
