if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
