peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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