note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
