I can tuck mytits in my pants
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
