woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
