Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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