By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
