Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
