remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
