can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
