You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
