420 ftw
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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