My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
