I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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