Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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