hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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