i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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