You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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