Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
