look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
