Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if only i could text you this smell
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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