...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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