i always forget guys have bellybuttons
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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