In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize