I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
