DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
