I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
