Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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