hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
