i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
