You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize
