The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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