I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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