I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You made out with two different species that night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
