drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
