Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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