I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
