I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
