birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
