I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
