I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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