why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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