I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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