the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
