i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
