She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
