I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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