I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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