Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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