you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
