i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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